In this section, one or more of us explore the same topic. When we feel inspired to do so, we select a word and write whatever comes to us as a way of examining something from multiple perspectives.
Boundaries – Push the Limits
Let me begin by saying, I freaking LOVE the recent shift I’ve seen over the past few years, with how much more comfortable we, as women, are becoming with deciding what our boundaries are, in each facet of our lives, and putting them in place. How clear we are in deciding what we are and are not willing to accept in our lives. How much more natural it’s becoming for us to enforce these personal limits, when it becomes necessary. How respecting and honouring ourselves is becoming higher on our priority lists, and fear-based people-pleasing is slowly, but surely, fading into the background.
Setting clear and healthy boundaries is all about taking control of your life, empowering yourself, deciding what limits you place on how other people treat you, or behave towards you.
What I’d like to talk about today is this… How comfortable are you with pushing your OWN boundaries?
I’m referring to stepping outside of your comfort zone. Doing things that you wouldn’t normally do, but would possibly benefit from. Giving yourself the opportunity to experience something new, learn, make mistakes, grow. Facing your fears and breaking out of the mundane.
Take a moment and think of something you’ve considered doing, have felt a gravitation toward, but haven’t taken the leap. Think as big or as small as you like. Perhaps it’s initiating a potentially uncomfortable conversation. Starting a new hobby that you’re not sure you’d be any good at. Taking a class you want to try. Walking away from a relationship that doesn’t serve you (romantic or platonic). Starting a new job. Something the THOUGHT of doing that either gets you jazzed, or gives you anxiety because you haven’t done it, and your inner guide is telling you that you really should . What has held you back? Fear of the unknown, or failure, or what others would think, or possible risks that scare you? What speaks to you in this moment?
Now, take a breath…
With this one thing in mind, ask yourself…. If I were to rip that band-aid off, and take that risk, would it help me take control of my life in some way? Empower me? Give me a sense of accomplishment? Does the potential to gain something for myself outweigh the pay-off of remaining stuck?
There’s little risk involved in staying within your comfort zone, but minimal chances of the personal pay-off you may gain from taking a chance. To me, comfort zones equal boredom, routine, stagnation. Comfort zones are safe, but they rob you of your chance to become your most vibrant self.
In order to clear a block for yourself, you have to be willing to be uncomfortable, breathe through some anxiety, and take a step into the unknown. You have to be open to the possibility that you may not get the outcome you hope for, or the outcome may exceed your wildest dreams, and either way, you are strong enough to handle it. Either way, you are gifting yourself the potential to grow, and you should be so proud of yourself.
Are you ready to push your limits? Know that I am cheering you on, every step of the way!
Xoxo
Nadine
Boundaries by Dyani.
Boundaries…sometimes known as the art of saying “no”. Some people have no difficulty declining a request or giving an outright “no” but for many of us, myself included, it creates discomfort for any number of reasons. We may be conditioned to be agreeable, to be helpful, to be a people-pleaser, or any other plethora of things. People who have experienced abuse in their childhood may have an especially difficult time with boundaries based on their desire to feel safe, or to be liked, or to avoid confrontation, etc.
I have found that there is a subtle art to saying “no”, that mostly involves not using the word at all. It’s a little psychological trick that can help make us and the recipient of the message feel a little less awkward about the situation, but still protects our personal boundaries.
Here are some alternative things you could say or do:
- “I’m sorry. That won’t work for me.” (If the person tries to change the request such as changing the date of the event or favour they are asking about you can simply repeat the message. Of course the sorry is obligatory…I’m Canadian, after all!)
- “I won’t be able to make it.” (You don’t have to give a reason why. If pressed for one, you can simply state that you “already have plans”. Maybe your plans are to stay in your pjs and binge-watch your favourite new series. Those are valid plans and you don’t owe anyone an explanation.)
- “What if…”. Offer something else. Maybe you don’t have the energy to attend a big social gathering and you want to decline your friend’s dinner party, but maybe you’d be happy to have a quiet visit with just them another time. Let your friend know that you “won’t be able to make it” to the dinner party, but let them know you’d still like to spend time with them and suggest an alternative. “I won’t be able to make it, but what if you and I meet for coffee next Sunday. I’d love to spend some time with you!”. If it’s a colleague and they’re asking you to take on their work project you could offer to assist with certain parts of the project rather than taking it on for them or you could delay until you know whether it would even be reasonable for you to offer your help based on your own schedule of tasks. “I won’t be able to take on that task while I’m working on the parts of the project that were assigned to me. What if we meet on Friday and see where things are at and if I’m ahead on my pieces then we can see if I’m able to assist you?”.
- This next one may feel cold to some of us at first, but I stand by it whole-heartedly. When I get a call from a telemarketer I do cut them off by saying “I’m not interested, thank you.”, and then I hang up so that they don’t have a chance to counter or respond. My time is my time. They’ve invaded my space and I did not invite them to do so. This is a boundary I’m very firm about.
Why does any of this matter? It matters because I think it’s safe to say that most of us feel pulled in a lot of directions these days and it’s important to take care of ourselves, and to honour and value our own time and space. Saying “no” (or some other version of it) can feel uncomfortable, but it’s also really uncomfortable to find yourself in situations that you don’t want to be in. So, the discomfort may happen either way, but if you create boundaries for yourself then at least you can have those feelings in your sweat pants while doing whatever you want to do on a Friday night rather than spending it at a party you don’t want to be at or doing work that isn’t your responsibility. I’m reminded of a Carlos Castaneda quote that keeps popping into my head, lately. “We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same”.
Boundaries
It is no coincidence that since we decided to feature this topic, the lessons on the need for strengthening my personal boarders have shown up in my life in a major way. This is the way life works. If you have in the past or are currently struggling with boundaries, this article is for you. We often hear about boundaries and their importance, yet what is not realized is that it is more than just a physical transaction, it is also energetic. If we are struggling with holding our space in the world, we can also take on energy and emotions of those surrounding us.
In an attempt to please others, we ignore our instincts, sacrificing our own needs and let’s face it, worth. Maybe it is something you are only vaguely aware of, or it is screaming at you to hem your personal perimeter, demanding your time back and your space. You may also notice that after a talking with certain people in your life you can either become energized or drained. You may also experience taking on the moods of those around you, and have a hard time letting go even once the conversation is over.
If this article is speaking to you, I want to express that having an internal dialogue daily is crucial. Without this it is a struggle to actually know what feels ok to us until after we have already committed, physically or energetically. We may be engaged with whom or what is not serving us, not feeling good to our being. It can feel like we are living life for everyone but ourselves. Knowing in advance who we are, what our needs are and where we need protection to feel like we are investing in our best selves is fundamental for each of us. It is the first step in building a strong relationship with yourself. Each time it is practiced, the muscle strengthens because it feels good; another step forward into your own light. It can be as simple as setting an intention or journaling before committing blindly and regretting it after the fact.
Whenever something feels bad in your gut, that’s a boundary line, and your heart calling you home. It really does not take much to state the limit either. Dyani’s article on has some beautiful tips on saying “NO” kindly. Getting to a place where you do not feel the need to apologize or take on others feelings around your limits will take practice, but the more you enforce this, the less the scenarios will show up. If you are struggling to enforce these, please note that when others are upset by your need to protect your time and energy, it’s a good indication that they have a self-serving motivation, and do not care about your needs. *(Remember the fairy tale Cinderella? After continuously sacrificing herself for others she was no more appreciated, respected or loved by the people surrounding her.) * The people who really care about you will understand.
Metaphysically speaking, those who have trouble stating boundaries on the physical planes tend to have poor energetic boundaries as well, picking up on everyone’s emotions, which affects their mind, body, heart and ultimately, health and wellbeing. It is extremely draining for the individual to carry someone else’s mood. Your child, husband, friend, co-worker, hey…even your pet. Every time we practice physically saying no to the people, events and media (this is an energetic exchange, so unfollow accordingly) that is draining us, we gain strength and energetically put the message out to the universe that we will not be pushed over. We refuse anything less than our needs and the choices we make for our highest good. The most incredibly beautiful thing is that the scenarios also stop showing up in your life. Life lesson learned. Check.
I will leave you with a few morning practices to consider and maybe do over that morning cuppa. The first is an energetic attunement, I was given by Chris Maddox, founder of the Wild Women Project during a recent class. My hope is that it will help you to strengthen the internal dialogue getting clear on your needs.
Breathing deeply for a few moments:
Sense the self. Breath. Hold your space. Space of the body, mind and energy field consciously over the coffee. Noticing, here I am without the influence of others. Just me. Breathe deeply. Hold it.
“We all have an inner space that can be cultivated or knocked out and evaded by doing other’s intentions.”-Chris Maddox
The second is a Kundalini Yoga move that was shared by a dear friend and Kundalini Yoga instructor. This exercise is done while doing short breaths through the nose. This exercise strengthens the Aura which provides energetic protection.
Kokoroco for life. Much love.
Jenny
Time by Jenny Swanson
Time. It has always been a foreign concept for me. I have never possessed a great concept of time or had interest in owning a watch. (Maybe that has something to do with my lack of amusement when around numbers.) The truth is, I personally, do not think time, aside from this very moment, actually exists. There is only this moment, and then the next this moment.
Often times we end up spending our lives focused on the future, in anticipation or perhaps anxiety, focusing on times which do not yet exist. The imagination creating stories by filling the day with past stories and future projections. I’m not saying I think we should abandon ship, and not have any idea which direction we are headed, cruising through life blindly, but staying in this moment that is happening, this second where you are and where you can feel joyful is my message. It allows you slow down all the senses, it is where peace is; where grace lives.
So now, I invite you to try this short exercise.
Close your eyes for a moment. Take a few deep breaths in, releasing all expectations of yourself. Let go.
Stay here as long as you need to breathing deeply.
That is living in real time. In this moment, this is who you are, all that truly exists and it is pure bliss.
My sweet daughter, who is 8, and has Mild Intellectual Disability, has really opened up my eyes to just how abstract this idea of time is. She has always struggled with the concept of time. Her own language around time is endearing and makes so much sense. “Yesteryear”(last year), and “last day” (yesterday), why not? I know what this all means. Sometimes she becomes frustrated with the idea of all the tomorrows, asking, “is it happening thistomorrow? Or the nexttomorrow?” I feel you sweetie. There are a lot of tomorrows all lined up to be had.
So here is my gentle reminder: there is so much comfort in the present, staying focused on today, this moment, right where we are; now. All of the tomorrows can wait.
Time by Dyani
I would like to start out by saying that the following is never how I imagined writing about the topic of time and that’s why I’ve decided that is exactly the reason I should write this as opposed to something more serious. I’ve been doing a great many things outside of my comfort zone lately and the rewards have been pretty stellar.
I’ve recently started using the treadmill 5 days a week. You can add that to the greater list of things I never thought I’d put on paper or say out loud but here we are. I don’t run so much as speed-walk or lightly jog but I’m also fat and my joints are praising my good common sense, I’m sure. In the weeks that I’ve implemented this routine I’ve gone from spending about 20 minutes at a time on the treadmill to an hour per session. I don’t want to get too caught up on the times, though, because it’s been by ignoring standard units of time that I’ve been able to enjoy my workouts more and increase my endurance. No more clock/timer watching for me. Instead, I measure my progress in songs!
Now comes there part where I dissect, using time for your benefit, my favourite workout mix…
Note: I did not create this mix. I have youtube premium and simply listen to it via my library of downloaded videos.
0:00-3:00
First up, we’ve got Mr. Vain. I’m not telling you what to like and I’ll be the last person to claim I know what’s cool but the only thing this song motivates me to do is turn it off. For that reason, I always fast forward through it. I move forward to the 3-minute mark and this is where my workout begins.
3:00-18:30
There is lots of good, fun stuff in this stretch. There are decent beats, shouting about liking to “move it” and declarations of rhythm being a dancer. Rhythm may be but my moves on the treadmill at this point are probably more akin to a chicken hopping around a newly aerated lawn—no matter, though, I’m finding my groove by now and having a good time. It’s a good thing, too, because it’s just in time for me to learn that “It’s a Beautiful Life” and how can I argue now that my blood is starting to pump and my endorphins are flowing? After all, I’m so high on the endorphins that it practically feels like “I’m in heaven”.
18:30-22:42
This is where time really starts to matter. Have you charged up your flux capacitator? Have you remembered to take the parking brake off the tardis? I hope so, because you are currently in transition and you’re about to time travel. Suddenly, your joints are 25 years younger, you’re filled with teenage angst, and you’ve never felt so angry (and thrilled) to be alive because at 18:42 Kurt Cobain is your new running partner and he’s here to tell you that it’s perfectly natural to head bang while you jog (Note: it’s probably not at all okay from a safety/spinal health perspective so I’ve never done that—of course I have—and you shouldn’t either).
22:43-26:35
You’re going so fast now that you’ve left Kurt in the dust and you’re moving to the electronic beats and bloops. It’s all good. Kurt is always back there at 18:30 anytime you need him and, if you’re anything like me, you’re definitely going to need him again before this workout is over.
26:36-29:29
You’re going to hear about the “love in the music” but more importantly you’re going to be feeling the love for the music as the steel drums kick in and suddenly all this sweating isn’t about being on a treadmill but because you’re on some imagined island holiday. If you’re anything like me (completely out of shape and doughy) then you’re probably working up a real sweat by now and you’re possibly started to flag. It’s okay, though, because this workout mix has got your back! Just when you think your brain is starting to overheat the song gives you the basic instructions you need to push through at the 28:37 mark. “Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk”. You can do this…keep going!
29:29-40:33
Hold on tight now because we’re about to get slung back-and-forth through more decades than Scott Bakula in an episode of Quantum Leap (not to fear, though, your clothes will make the trip with you). We’re going to take a short tour through 2016 with DJ Snake until we reach the 32:42 mark and are suddenly catapulted back into the 80s. How did we get here? You might even say it’s a riddle (or Nik Kershaw might say that). All I know is that big hair is in and it’s a good thing because mine is definitely sweaty and wild by this point. Aaaaannnd, hold onto your hair because at 37:28 we’ve time warped to 2006 where The Red Hot Chili Peppers are waiting for you to feel that second wind whipping through your hair. You hear all that cheering at 39:44? That’s for you!
40:34-46:34
You haven’t forgotten what to do but even if you have, the Black Eyed Peas are here to remind you that you’re “Runnin’, runnin’”. That’s right, just give yourself up to the music and get it started in here because now you’ve reached 43:35 and you’re living the nightlife!
46:35-50:25
You’ve almost finished and they’ve saved the classic for last. Eye of the Tiger is here to bring you home. You’re rising up to the challenge of your rival and your rival is you. Push through!
You didn’t forget about Kurt, though, did you? This is where you go back to 18:30 and rejoin him on the trail. Where you go from there is entirely up to you, the way it always should have been, the way it always will be from now on.
Give this mix a try and let me know what you think! Do you have a favourite mix or song that you like to work out to? Please share it and I’ll be happy to check it out!
Practical Tip for Beginners:
If you start to feel that your breathing is shallow and it’s causing some tightness in your chest (AKA feeling “short of breath”), take 3 deep breaths in through the nose and out through the mouth but when you exhale do so with an audible “Ahhhhh” (like a heavy sigh). It will help get your diaphragm involved in the breathing process and deliver more oxygen to your blood stream. Should you know any Klingon, I suspect that forcefully whispering Klingon phrases is equally effective as well as intimidating. Might I suggest “largh rur teen qa’”.
Looking Under a Rock for Spare Time (hint: It’s not there) – by Nadine
We live in a highly competitive, insanely busy world. We are constantly on the move, both physically and mentally. We have our jobs and/or volunteer work, often in high-stress environments. Most of us have either children, pets, or both. We have to keep our homes in liveable repair, and in many cases, we’ve got a yard to look after as well. We try to fit in some recreation and social engagements for the well-being of our bodies and minds, which of course, takes even more time.
Kids aren’t safe from this phenomenon, either. School, extracurriculars, sports, hobbies, studying and homework, and when they come of age, jobs, sometimes more than one.
When we can’t find the spare time to decompress, guess what there is left to look forward to? Complete and total burnout. Our minds and bodies will find a way to make us decompress, whether we like it or not, and it often comes in the form of completely shutting down mentally, and often physically, in the form of illness.
What exactly happens to us when we burn out? According to verywell mind, we completely lose our motivation. This means we STILL have all the things we have to find the time to do, we just don’t WANT to.
And the real kick in the face? In order to avoid burnout, we have to find the time to decompress! I’m throwing my hands up in the air right with you…. It’s not an easy task! But it can be done with some planning, time management, and commitment.
What has worked for me is some hard-core prioritizing. Whatever you’ve got to get done in a day, write it all down the night before. From the minute your feet hit the floor in the morning, till the time your head hits the pillow. Acknowledge as many steps as you can think of. Account for your meals, your shower (or bath, if you are so inclined), your Facebooking, EVERYTHING. If you have voice to text on your phone, use that! It’s even quicker.
Now…. Start eliminating.
You heard me.
Whatever doesn’t NEED to be done… cross that out. Do you HAVE to drive your kids to school, or can you find someone who will take turns car-pooling with you? Do you HAVE to keep that coffee date, or can you settle for a quick phone call at home instead? These are just examples… if your task is something you truly enjoy, then it should stay…. If you’re ok with saying NO THANK YOU to it, cross it right off.
Those now-blank spots on your list, now belong to you. Not the rat race.
What is something you’ve been wanting to do, something that would recharge you and bring you some joy, but haven’t found the spare time? Sitting down with a good book perhaps? Going for a hike? Having a badly needed nap? Guess what? Now you do! You can tweak the process to fit your own life, just keep the principle of eliminating what doesn’t absolutely have to be done in place and you will be so very good to go!