Boundaries…sometimes known as the art of saying “no”. Some people have no difficulty declining a request or giving an outright “no” but for many of us, myself included, it creates discomfort for any number of reasons. We may be conditioned to be agreeable, to be helpful, to be a people-pleaser, or any other plethora of things. People who have experienced abuse in their childhood may have an especially difficult time with boundaries based on their desire to feel safe, or to be liked, or to avoid confrontation, etc.
I have found that there is a subtle art to saying “no”, that mostly involves not using the word at all. It’s a little psychological trick that can help make us and the recipient of the message feel a little less awkward about the situation, but still protects our personal boundaries.
Here are some alternative things you could say or do:
- “I’m sorry. That won’t work for me.” (If the person tries to change the request such as changing the date of the event or favour they are asking about you can simply repeat the message. Of course the sorry is obligatory…I’m Canadian, after all!)
- “I won’t be able to make it.” (You don’t have to give a reason why. If pressed for one, you can simply state that you “already have plans”. Maybe your plans are to stay in your pjs and binge-watch your favourite new series. Those are valid plans and you don’t owe anyone an explanation.)
- “What if…”. Offer something else. Maybe you don’t have the energy to attend a big social gathering and you want to decline your friend’s dinner party, but maybe you’d be happy to have a quiet visit with just them another time. Let your friend know that you “won’t be able to make it” to the dinner party, but let them know you’d still like to spend time with them and suggest an alternative. “I won’t be able to make it, but what if you and I meet for coffee next Sunday. I’d love to spend some time with you!”. If it’s a colleague and they’re asking you to take on their work project you could offer to assist with certain parts of the project rather than taking it on for them or you could delay until you know whether it would even be reasonable for you to offer your help based on your own schedule of tasks. “I won’t be able to take on that task while I’m working on the parts of the project that were assigned to me. What if we meet on Friday and see where things are at and if I’m ahead on my pieces then we can see if I’m able to assist you?”.
- This next one may feel cold to some of us at first, but I stand by it whole-heartedly. When I get a call from a telemarketer I do cut them off by saying “I’m not interested, thank you.”, and then I hang up so that they don’t have a chance to counter or respond. My time is my time. They’ve invaded my space and I did not invite them to do so. This is a boundary I’m very firm about.
Why does any of this matter? It matters because I think it’s safe to say that most of us feel pulled in a lot of directions these days and it’s important to take care of ourselves, and to honour and value our own time and space. Saying “no” (or some other version of it) can feel uncomfortable, but it’s also really uncomfortable to find yourself in situations that you don’t want to be in. So, the discomfort may happen either way, but if you create boundaries for yourself then at least you can have those feelings in your sweat pants while doing whatever you want to do on a Friday night rather than spending it at a party you don’t want to be at or doing work that isn’t your responsibility. I’m reminded of a Carlos Castaneda quote that keeps popping into my head, lately. “We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same”.